Daily Note #14

December sixth

December 6th, 2013

I'm always amazed when I get the chance to go to a high hill, the top of a tall tall building, or any sort of elevated plain that lets me see some sort of view. I imagine all the people in all the little spaces crammed into these plots of land. I try to think about some things that might be happening in those spaces, a grandpa making breakfast for his granddaughter, she doesn't like plain round pancakes so he has come up with a way to make pancake drawings, the most creative pancakes anyone has ever seen, just for her. I think about the great dane nudging her owner for an afternoon walk, possibly the only walk of the day and she is excited running back and forth in the bedroom while he just wants to sleep a few more minutes. I imagine the young couple keeping warm under wool sheets as a television is blaring, whispers of "I love yous" and "wheres the remote boo?"

Whenever I'm at a towering view I also think about the relationships of these people in these small spaces. I think about what it might be like to be in love with the boy down the street, or what it might feel like to have to see your ex-wife every time you drop off your kid to them, or the feeling in your arms and legs when you pass by the girl at the coffee shop that you always tell yourself you will say hi this time but you never do. I think about these relationships and I'm reminded that I carry my own set of hellos, goodbyes, and see-you-soons.

On this day I think about one in particular and I will believe that they are where they wanted to be for a very long time now, and I am where I need to be, but I could be terribly wrong.

What a scary thought, that in our lifetimes, we fall in and out of these "hellos", "won't you stay awhile", "lets spend a day together" to a goodbye that was never said out loud. And so do I continue to spend time to get to know new people when this cloud hangs over me that whispers and shouts pep talks about how it won't last and you might not remember this person in a year? I don't think so, and that's when the rush of memories come in, the time I spent getting to know her, making her smile and laugh and being able to learn new things about a life that I was never familiar with, and in the end, learning about myself. And knowing that those days spent building a relationship even if it's gone, it was special and still is and that won't ever fade.

So the terribly wrong doesn't seem so wrong and the believing turns into a reality of this is where I am, period. And it's okay.

In this past year I've realized something really simple, yet it took me almost twenty five years of living to be able to recognize it. I experience so much joy when I'm able to share this life with others. It has ranged from spending an entire day with my best friend, or the quick "hello, how are you?" of a stranger passing by, to the mutual smile shared on a cold bus sputtering through downtown Los Angeles. This joy creeping up through my spine into my eyes to remind me that this little life of mine is much smaller than I think when it's compared to the billions of other little lives breathing in this little, little planet of ours, crammed in these small spaces, screaming at the bus driver, "have a great night, thank you for the ride!"

Carried Away

Sometimes I forget that there's this small machine in my chest that keeps my breath going. Waking up after the sun is directly above my eye lids, tripping over covers tucked too tight from the night before. I forget that theres this small machine inside of me while I'm brushing my teeth. And I start to feel this immense sadness when I hear about her small town that was demolished in one pass. Her entire life swept away in the loudest noises to ever enter into her ears. Her family taken with the thunder of it all.

And all at once that machine in my chest stops moving. It starts to cry for her and everyone who suffers today, yesterday, and tomorrow. And the next day my eyes open before the sun reaches the horizon and I sit for a while, until my feet fall asleep, until my chest has a small pulse again and I continue, I don't know what else to do.

Processed. Print. Twelve.

Pentax K1000/ Fujicolor Superia 400

February 1 2013

I met Daisy about two years ago. I was going to a show in Echo Park and when I was waiting in line I saw Andrea, which at that point, I hadn't seen or talked to her since 2006, five years!

I remember the feeling of re-introducing myself to Andrea again and how nice it was to meet a familiar person again but knowing nothing about her. I think we were completely different people in high school, I know I was so I felt this sense of a clean start even though Andrea and I never really talked in high school. Daisy was there with Andrea and I met her for the first time.

This was May 2011 so it was almost going to be a year since graduating from college and moving back to Pomona. At this time I was still struggling with the transition of living a fairly independent life for four years to living at home again. There was a lot of conflict going on with me due to the stress of navigating life after school, trying to find a way to be productive without professors giving you assignments, finding a job that I actually liked and paid well enough to help with my student loans, trying to meet people in the art world to build some sort of community. This on top of many things caused a lot of conflict in me at the time.

Daisy told me she was about to graduate in June and she shared some of her anxieties about life after college but it didn't seem to bother her as much. I think seeing someone that seemed to be fearless really helped me find peace with where I was. Also it just helped to talk to someone that seemed to understand what life after college could be. I've never told her that but as I was looking at this photo that I took of her in February of this year and I remembered the first time we met and I remember that feeling.

Daisy reminds me to work harder at being a present friend because she lives in Los Angeles and even though it isn't that far, it seems more difficult for me to make time to see friends that don't live in the cities right next to mine. A big lesson I've learned and am still learning this year is to make time to enjoy life, enjoy friendships, enjoy meeting people and getting to know them better and sharing.

I like this photo of her because it reminds me that people embody so much, and they offer more than you can imagine, and contain a vast complexity. Yet, at the same time, we are really simple and sometimes all we need are things that are really simple to be happy or to be at peace. In this case I was happy to get a day off to hang out with her, look at art, and just talk about how simple and complex our lives are.

Hip Hip...

As of April 2nd 2013-

I officially paid off one entire student loan,
now I just have two more.
I'm thankful for my family,
because without them
I would be homeless and full of student loan debt
and this would not have been possible.

Time to eat a bagel and go to sleep.

(cheering inside myself,
and theres also a huge party/celebration
with carnival rides and foods from all over the world in my imagination)

Hooray!

twenty-five years later

February 19, 2013

Slowly now, slowly so my limbs move away from sheets soaked. My eyes not yet open but I can see the light that seeps from under the door, radiant on my forehead down to my shins. Slowly with my legs stretched, I'm only a surface piled on top of a much further depth.

As a lone voice echoes across high ceilings hoping they hit the inside of your ear, hoping you can only see what I've been keeping. Backs leaned against walls owned by others and the hope disappears into the small cracks we can't see. Please.

And I see you, long awaited joy forced into a small cramped room with your brother, sister, mother, father. Your hands grabbing onto a single finger, shivers sent down my spine as my mother tells of how she once held her father in the same way.

Long awaited fragments pieced together over a satellite line, the sound of tears spilling, nose sniffling. The sound of decisions made, no more time to wait. Yet, I couldn't help but to take it as it was, or else we continue blindly until we are completely lost and alone. The only sounds you didn't hear was this silence that has swept across my days.

Slowly, slowly now, a heart mends on top of a new shape. One that is less, less of what this month has been, and more of what is ahead. Those little hands growing everyday, a smile from her eyes on slower days, a tune played from his sweet hands, more stories from her small garden. A depth that will continue as long as this chest is rising and falling. Today is another day to celebrate life, what could be more wonderful than that.

Roots

February 1 2013

Lately I've been trying to imitate something, someone, some idea that might help me feel and be more peaceful, stable. With this constant movement happening all around, it seems so hard to grab onto something. Getting caught up in a wild whirlwind of words, emotions that stay in small sound proof rooms, and feelings poured in between the small cracks of the tile floor becomes a weight that pulls and pulls until my chest is level with the ground and I can't feel a pulse.

Walking away, I could hear the quietest creaks inching their way closer to the other side of my feet. I look up and the wind is pushing the top of my head closer to the branches of a towering sycamore tree. Concrete poured over its roots, these same roots lifting these concrete blocks until they are knee high.

I thought if I'd imitate anything, it would be this sycamore tree. Something that has been so resilient, something that lives through generation and generation of concrete being poured over its roots but somehow it finds a way to resurface. Somehow, after all this time it's branches and leaves still sway with this light wind. And it lets me place my hand on it's trunk and all I can feel is a completely solid core. Something that can't be moved, a middle that stays and grows.

So I'll learn from this tree. I understand that I'm only so much, but I'm also as much as I try to be. I'll continue through this constant movement, but with a much stronger and grounded depth this time.

Moving forward together

January 22 2013

Today is Martin Luther King day. I'd like to include a few quotes by Dr. King that I feel have stayed so powerful for many years and are so relevant in our current generation. 

"They say to us that we must be concerned not merely about who murdered them, but about the system, the way of life, the philosophy which produced the murderers. Their death says to us that we must work passionately and unrelentingly for the realization of the American dream."- Eulogy for the Martyred Children 1963.

"Freedom is never voluntarily given by the oppressor; it must be demanded by the oppressed"- Letter From Brimingham Jail 1963.

“We must rapidly begin the shift from a "thing-oriented" society to a "person-oriented" society. When machines and computers, profit motives and property rights are considered more important than people, the giant triplets of racism, materialism, and militarism are incapable of being conquered.”-Martin Luter King Jr. "Why am I opposed to the war in Vietnam" 1967.

"One day we must ask the question, “Why are there forty million poor people in America?” And when you begin to ask that question, you are raising questions about the economic system, about a broader distribution of wealth. When you ask that question, you begin to question the capitalistic economy. And I’m simply saying that more and more, we’ve got to begin to ask questions about the whole society. We are called upon to help the discouraged beggars in life’s market place. But one day we must come to see that an edifice which produces beggars needs restructuring. It means that questions must be raised. You see, my friends, when you deal with this, you begin to ask the question, “Who owns the oil?” You begin to ask the question, “Who owns the iron ore?” You begin to ask the question, “Why is it that people have to pay water bills in a world that is two thirds water?” These are questions that must be asked."- Martin Luther King Jr. "Where Do We Go From Here: Chaos or Community?" 1967.

“A nation that continues year after year to spend more money on military defense than on programs of social uplift is approaching spiritual doom.”- Martin Luther King Jr. "Where Do We Go From Here: Chaos or Community?" 1967.






I honor this man and the countless people that have given their hearts, their souls, to making this world a better place for everyone. I honor Dr. King and the countless people that have been prisoners to help people gain equality, to help people become self aware of how connected we all are. Today I honor Martin Luther King Jr. and the countless people that are no longer with us but will stay in our books, our minds, and in our hearts to help us continue to move forward into a positive and better world.

Thank you.

spree

Daily note 12/10/12

Day Five- October 7th 2012

This was the only day that I didn't take any photos with my actual camera camera but I did take this one with my phone.

I booked this trip way back in June and always knew I wanted to come back to New York when I had the chance. Being so involved in social activism is such a great thing but at times it can really wear down my energy and I can feel burnt out at times. The same can be said about my jobs. I think this trip was much needed, and the timing couldn't have been better.

Learning to breathe from my brothers and sisters, and learning to live in a more mindful manner helped me enjoy this trip like no other trip I've been on. I didn't give into my old habits of always wanting to be somewhere else, always wanting to see more and more, this and that. This trip was full of taking my time, breathing each step of the way, and looking more deeply at everything and everyone around me and appreciating everything that I experienced in such a different way.

I didn't feel stressed, I didn't feel scared, and I didn't feel like I was forcing myself to do things that maybe I didn't really want to do. I just enjoyed being somewhere new, and having a really mellow week. Thanks Keith & Ilknur for having me, thanks New York for a wonderful time.

Day Four- October 6th 2012

10-6-2012

So the night before Keith let me borrow his bike to get a late night sandwich in the Carroll Gardens neighborhood. It was so fun to be able to ride through Brooklyn at night. I loved skateboarding, walking, and taking the train everywhere but being on a bike was even better. I could stop wherever I wanted and it's not as much work as skateboarding and walking.

Keith was actually excited that I was taking the bike out at 10 pm to get a sandwich. He told me he always offers his bike to the airbnb guest that come to visit but I was the first one to actually use it. So the next day I took him up on his offer again and decided I'd explore as much of New York as I could on a bike.

Symbols, signs, signals that represent so much and still, no matter, someone else will always have their own interpretation, and opinion. No matter the connotation, I've always liked shoes hanging on power lines. 

Riding around gave me the opportunity to find all kinds of street art. And there was so much of it in Williamsburg. Almost every industrial area that I passed, the walls were covered in murals of all sorts. Definitely felt the love coming from these dilapidated walls. 

Something really beautiful about being in this city was noticing how many different kinds of people live in New York. It's unlike any city I've ever been to. You get such diversity, living in the same neighborhoods or right next to each other. A perfect example of that was when I went to get Tacos in the Sunset Park neighborhood. I passed by a Chinese neighborhood that had Chinese stores all along the street and two blocks later the businesses were all taquerias, and Mexican markets. 

Ilknur, the woman that I stayed with brought up a really good point about how New Yorks culture is so mixed up and diverse because people from all kinds of backgrounds and countries live there, so it's almost impossible to describe what "New Yorkers" are like. It was nice to see that mix everywhere I went. 

And of course, since I was on a bike, I had to cross the Williamsburg Bridge from Brooklyn to Manhattan, then go back into Brooklyn via the Brooklyn Bridge. Even though there was a bike lane for the Brooklyn Bridge, it was the scariest bridge to be on because of all the tourist packed like sardines on that bridge. I had to yell "yo!!" a couple of times to not crash into the people that would step into the bike lane because they weren't paying attention. 

The amount of parks that I sat and took breaks at in new york probably greatly outnumbers all the parks I've ever been to in my entire life. And that is saying a lot because I love parks, but wow, it seems like every neighborhood had two or more parks. It's a nice break from all the craziness. 

I was so lucky that the weather was just perfect for an all day bike ride, slight breeze, leaves everywhere, and a cloud here and there. 

Keith and Ilknur were such great host, and I had the most amazing time staying with them, and it just happened that I found out about this Turkish (Ilknur is from Turkey) specialty market near Coney Island so I thought I would get them some things from there to say thank you. It was also an excuse to ride down to see the Wonder Wheel one more time.

Said Wonder Wheel :)

So it was my last night staying with the best couple in all of ny, and of course I had to write them a note telling them exactly how great they were. Come to find out, I was such a dummy, I thought the entire store had products from Turkey but not everything was. So the only thing I got them that was from Turkey were the drinks :| Didn't realize that until I got back to their place and checked the labels. But I think Keith and Iknur were appreciative anyway.

By far, this day was my favorite day.

Day Three- October 5th 2012

10-5-2012

I think Aesthetically New York is a very beautiful city, and to be more specific, Brooklyn is a very beautiful place. There are old old old buildings, bridges, signs, traffic lights, houses, and that aged look is very attractive to me. On my third day here I decided to make a visit to Coney Island. 

I had to chance to visit a post office in Coney Island, and I just had this feeling that everyone in that post office knew each other, but mostly every neighborhood I went to in Brooklyn, I got that same feeling. That small town feeling, but maybe that was just me. 

Coney Island has this charm to it. This charm might be very hard to describe through writing but I think I can try. Skating through the small town with tiny shops packed onto the blocks, I noticed that most of the store front signs were hand painted. That kind of craftsmanship is something I kept noticing and appreciated very much. And when I arrived at the amusement park, all of that craftsmanship was so noticeable and prevalent. 

I wish I looked half as cool as these little kids. 

So the MoMA has branches in NY, this gallery space is called MoMA PS1. It's located in Long Island City, Queens. Unfortunately for me, they were in the middle of putting new work in all of the galleries except for the handful of permanent installations, so all the exhibition rooms were empty. I was warned, but I decided to check it out anyway.

This space is so amazing, it's a very old building that looks like it used to be a school. So hallways full of doors that lead into a small/big rooms. And when the gallery is up and running, these rooms are filled with all kinds of art. 

The best permanent room was James Turrells, "Meeting".

You walk into this room expecting it to have four walls and a ceiling, and you walk in to get four walls, some huge wooden benches with a huge square cut out of the ceiling. 

Being in this room with the sunlight seeping in was one of the most surreal moments I've ever had, and one of the most peaceful moments of this entire trip. Just lying on the bench, looking up at the sky and hearing faint sounds of traffic, birds chirping, a slow breeze, and the sound of footsteps in the hallway next to me made me feel so small. Reminding me that, as Kimya Dawson says, "I am just a tiny speck in a giant's eye." 

One of my favorite places back home is in fact another James Turrell installation. But this one, located at the Pomona College, is completely outdoors, with a large shallow fountain in the center and the ceiling actually has a light show every evening. Much different experience but both are still very great experiences. 

And it was back to nyc for some late lunch which I brought to the Hudson River Park. On the west side of nyc, there are lots and lots of long piers that I wouldn't really consider piers but they essentially are, and these piers are mostly long stretches of parks. It's a nice place to get away from all the busy people that fill up the sidewalks in this city. The stretch of buildings in the background is New Jersey. 

And I turn around to see that fall has arrived on the east coast. 

Day two- October 4th 2012

10-4-2012

The best surprise while I was skating through Fort Greene to Sunset Park was this gigantic Barry McGee mural. I just glanced across the street and immediately knew it was his work. It's like when you're in a museum and you see a painting all the way across the room and you immediately know who the artist is, this was the same thing but in the streets. I've always admired Barrys work, and was exposed to a lot of this work while I lived in the East Bay. 

After spending the morning in Brooklyn taking the train to get the best Banh Mi in Sunset Park, I took the train to Manhattan to finally visit the Museum of Modern Art. I think the biggest reason why I wanted to come back to New York was to visit places like the MoMA. I arrived fairly early and of course there were already hundreds and hundreds of people there. I think there is a huge difference in attendance with art museums in New York as opposed to Art Musuems in Los Angeles. In Los Angeles I can walk into the Moca or the LACMA and it won't be crowded at all, The MoMA much different. Maybe because NY has a much higher tourist population than LA does? 

Yoshimoto Nara Patch of the Earth 2001

And of course I saw this, along with a few more paintings by Yoshimoto Nara. I've always wanted to see an exhibit of his in person and hopefully I get a chance to in my lifetime. Just this painting made the entire visit to the MoMA completely satisfying.

There was a special exhibition called "Century of the Child: Growing by Design, 1900-2000. This film was projected onto the entrance of the exhibition. A small child riding this one wheeler and this man in a suit running next to him. I'm pretty sure that one wheeler was gas powered, terrifyingly awesome. 

We have this children's book at my job called "The Curious Garden" by Peter Brown. It's a story about a boy that lives in a city that has no plants, everything is grey and black. Until one day he finds this abandoned train track that runs through the entire city. After a while he finds a small sprout, he decides to water this tiny sprout and finally that sprout turns into a flower and he learns more and more about planting and gardening and decides to plant some things and plants more and more until this old railroad turns into a beautiful garden. This place is real and it's called the Highline in New York City. 

The highlines story isn't as cool as the one in The Curious Garden. But it's still a cool one, the elevated Railway was built in the 1930's and the last train stopped running in 1980. Friends of the High Line, a community-based non-profit group, formed in 1999 when the historic structure was under threat of demolition. Friends of the High Line works in partnership with the City of New York to preserve and maintain the structure as an elevated public park. 

It's a nice place to just take a stroll and people watch. I mostly just found nice places to sit where I could see a long stretch of road with big buildings all around. 

It started to rain as I was leaving the highline, and this woman that I was passing stopped me and told me, have you looked west, the sunset is beautiful. I replied "I have, it's something else". I don't have any pictures but the sunsets in NYC are quite beautiful especially with all the shadows from all the high buildings. 

Day one- October 3rd 2012

10-3-2012

Flying out of Lax on Tuesday night at 9:20pm and arriving at JFK on Wednesday morning at 5:40am. I was definitely feeling the effects of the time change right when I stepped off the plane. Sleeping on a plane full of strangers is impossible for me, I imagine a plane full of my family and friends where you don't have to worry about laying your head on someones shoulder, but I can only dream.

Have you ever tried laying your head on the food tray in front of you? Don't try it, your neck will hurt for a couple of days.

Coming from Los Angeles and living through weeks and weeks of a heat wave did not prepare me for the sudden contrast in weather that Manhattan shared with me. But I will say that I was so so happy that fall was present in New York, because lucky for me, fog, rain, and sunny days that don't burn are the most enjoyable kind of days for me. My first stop after riding the metro out of JFK was the M.E.T. Metropolitan Museum of Art. But first I had to pass through a big chunk of Central Park which was sort of eerie because of all the fog. 

In 2008 I went to visit my friend Luke in Buffalo NY which is all the way on the west side of New York. I did get to visit the city and stay with a good friend of his in Brooklyn. I had a wonderful time then but I didn't get to do a lot of things that I wanted to do, or better yet, I didn't know what I could do. This time around, I wrote out an entire itinerary with places I wanted to go eat at, art museums galleries that I wanted to visit, monuments, parks, and a ton of other weird things that I found out about prior to my visit. My itinerary wasn't a timed one with a schedule of events for a day, it was much more free so I could decide what to do on a specific day.

The picture above is a gigantic installation by El Anatsui titled Dusasa II. It's made from found aluminum, cooper wire, and plastic disks.

This was one of many favorite pieces I had the chance to see at the MET. I've always liked the idea of reuse, recycling used and old materials to make something new. And the transforming of our idea of trash, what is trash, what makes it trash, and why is the value lesser than something new. Do these titles make it less important or attractive? I like how Anatsui took these materials that we consider trash or dispensable and turned them into this beautiful tapestry. 

The MET has everything you could ever think of, so much artwork from different continents, eras, and cultures. The great thing about that was you could walk into a room full of 4th century B.C. Etruscan pottery, and walk into another huge room of wood carvings from 19th century Northern New Ireland. It was fun, and I spent my entire half day there until my feet couldn't take it anymore and I still had about a 4th of the museum that I didn't even see. 

Remember how I was saying that I had an itinerary, well the food section on my itinerary was such a success. Thanks to Yelp and some suggestions from locals, I ate the most delicious food during my stay. Also, I'm now officially in love with falafel sandwiches.  

This past May the sketchbook project came out to Los Angeles during their Sketchbook World Tour. They were only in Los Angeles for 2 days, so only being there for a night, we didn't get to see as many sketchbooks as we would've liked. Our books just got back from their last stop in the states to come and sleep at the Brooklyn Art Library. So lucky for me, I was reunited with my book and all the amazing books from 2012 and before.

I was so excited to see Amy's book again, I really liked her book but felt like I didn't really get to sit with it in Los Angeles. And I didn't get to take pictures of her whole book in LA so I made sure to do so while I had the chance. 

All about hair by Amy Bones. 

The Brooklyn Art Library was just fantastic, shelves and shelves of sketchbooks from around the world. It was also just a really nice place to hang out. There's all kinds of art supplies for sale here, and the staff is super friendly which is a plus. When I told them I was looking for my book, Chris, the man who was helping me told me it was one of their favorite books at the library and he knew exactly where to find it! Of course I was flattered. 

Before meeting Keith & Ilknur, the couple I was supposed to stay with during the week, I explored Williamsburg. Found this small park by the water and a view of Manhattan and the Williamsburg bridge. It was a nice way to end a long sleepless day. 

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