Woods- Rain on

and it feels like it should today
falling back on a better place

Why?

"I'm doing okay"

Pretending
Hardly here
Barely open

Looking at your eyes
Seeing the same in mine

Faking
Half truths
Divided whole

How are you
I'm doing okay

Today's to-do list

plug

Every time I start
I stop
Every time I feel
I can't

legit sauce

Processed. Print. One.

process ¹ |ˈpräˌses, ˈpräsəs, ˈprō-|

noun

1 a series of actions or steps taken in order to achieve a particular end.

film |film|

noun

1 a thin flexible strip of plastic or other material coated with light-sensitive emulsion for exposure in a camera, used to produce photographs or motion pictures.

It has taken me four years to finally go and process some old film that has been lying around for years. The earliest being a roll of black and white 400 from 2008. And the latest roll of color 400 from March 2012. 

So I had all these rolls processed at a place in Los Angeles, I was fortunate enough to pick them up right before the business closed on Friday night (right before the sketchbook show) and today I took the film to a local costco to get some prints. Now I about a hundred photos that I completely forgot about and it's so nice to see what I took. 

I think that's what so great about film, it's nice to forget about what you took since you can't see it right after you take it. Also the look and feel of film is just completely different than digital. I'm so excited to share these photos from different periods of time.

This is a new segment of my blog called "Processed. Print."

Pentax K1000/ Kodak Portra 800

Echo Park, December 18 2011

I only remember this date/day because I was going to Echo Park to see Beach Fossils at the Echo. I was walking from the LA Union station up Sunset and I remember passing by this food truck and thinking, "turn around, turn around, take a picture" so after a block of battling in my head, I decided to walk back and take a photo. 

I feel so lucky that I can go out by myself and explore places. My friend the other day told me "I wish I could do the same, but I get scared something could happen to me". This reminded me that our society can be so disrespectful and so wrong. It saddens me that people get harrassed and disrespected just because. Gender roles play a huge part in this perception of weak/strong people due to sex, size, image. Some of the most powerful women I know are some of the smallest women I know. I work on these roles everyday and I try to shed myself of these ideas because we are human, we shouldn't be tied down by stereotypical characteristics because of how we look, dress, and what gender we are.

That night was a nice night, I ended up getting home at 3 am because my bus decided to make a detour and I didn't realize this until 2 am. It was well worth it anyhow.

Flash 2.0

Back in December my friend Mason invited me to a rock climbing gym in Upland, he had a guest pass to use so he was cool enough to use it on me. I've climbed in the past when I was in college but they were all on guest passes so towards the end of December I decided to get a monthly membership.

Ever since then I've used my guest pass on a few friends and I've met some cool people at this gym in Upland. I also realized that a few people that I know have memberships at this gym. I've gotten so much stronger since I started this sport, and I feel like I get better every time I finish a day of climbing. What's nice about the gym I go to is that they change the routes pretty often, so every one gets to climb new things every month or so.

Last week my sister and I went on a hunt to find some climbing shoes, I've been doing some research on which shoes would suit me and would be a affordable for me. After a long search I found these Mad Rock Flash 2.0 climbing shoes. Thursday was the first day that I climbed with them and I couldn't be happier. Finally, no more renting the gym shoes that are really torn apart and stinky.

"I'm ready to crush it"

The Moon

sketchbook project

take turns

Finding my wheels

My friend Lily has been on the hunt for a bicycle for a few months now, maybe longer. Every time she finds something on craigslist she sends me the link to ask me what I think. Some good ones have popped up but ended up being not so great. Yesterday Lily asked me to come along with her to Chino to check out a 1982 Schwinn traveler that some guy was trying to get rid of.

Lily drove her brothers gigantic Land Cruiser, I think both Xavier and I felt like we were riding in a boat, a boat with wheels. 

After a test run and an inspection, we all agreed that it was a nice bike, Lily ended up getting the bike for a pretty decent price! I'm so happy for her because I know she's been searching for an alternative mode of transportation that is good for her and good for this world. 

The look!

So Xavier is taking a piano class this semester and he has about 2 more weeks left. I've been waiting for him to show me his new found skill. He is a natural, it's cool to see him pick something up and be awesome at it!

And this is what I miss the most about these two, right before this they decided to tickle attack me in the soundproof piano room, my screams didn't save me this time.

oh and I had an enchilada party today by myself.
it was out of control.

Self Portrait May

Movement through May

Sheets halfway, I pull myself up, leaping into this day. I told him I had everything ready to say, no more lying, no more strays. There was this pounding from closed peripherals, I couldn't wait any longer. I said what I had to, with a head full of conviction. My words seemed loud, not giving you a voice. When it was time to hear you, the time already fleeting.

Sheets over my chest, I leave myself there. I wrote everything I couldn't hold, no restrictions, no dismay. This pounding louder, more apparent and I saw it all at once, I couldn't wait another day. The ink spilled onto these pages, I wasn't scared. My words were quiet, waiting to be read. When it was time to hear you, I listened.

When it was time to hear you, I couldn't.

Sheets cover my head, crawling into this day. Nothing but silence. This pounding unbearable, I tried to ignore it, I needed to forget. My mouth stopped, my thoughts stuck. I have to wait for so many days. My words have no attention, just the sound of sobbing coming through every night.

It was time to hear you, I'm here.

I woke up today, clinging onto a hold. A hold to pull me out of this pounding. I see you and it's okay. And I remember these days are days. The move through this month, I don't have to wait. It's here, I can change.

Tegan and Sara- The Ocean (acoustic)

Xavier at Lake Chabot, Castro Valley, Ca 2010

Oakland Hills

Somewhere in the Oakland Hills 2010

Big Black Cloud

You're finally standing still and your fingers all go numb

Get higher on your hill

So your big black cloud will come

Your big black cloud will come

-the microphones

Circa 2008

I remember being so lonely in this photo
Living in an apartment with four people, one being my best friend
But somehow I still managed to feel sad around this time

Maybe it was being away from "home"
Being away from myself
I remember this was the year when I finally allowed myself to heal
To heal from things that happened a long time ago
I somehow learned to confront all of it
I learned to stop hiding, stop running

I remember it
That time in my life
And it helps

things change

Annular Solar Eclipse

May 20th 2012

The annular solar eclipse of 2012. I had a miniature freak out when I found out that I had to work until 5:30pm on that day but realized that I had plenty of time to set up and experience this rare event. It was a partial solar eclipse from our area but a solar eclipse is a solar eclipse no matter what. I brought a few things up to my roof to get a better view.

I made a pinhole camera viewing box by using white paper, a shoebox, tape and aluminum foil. I poked a small hole through the aluminum foil and the image of the sun was projected to the back of the box. 

My view. 

The air was hotter than usual, my shadow different, my thoughts momentarily grounded. I forgot about all the weight inside my heart and I just practiced being there. 

I finally had a chance to use this gigantic zoom lens that my sister gave me along with my film camera a very long time ago. I took a few photos with it but since I couldn't look into the viewfinder (because I didn't want to hurt my eyes), I'm not quite sure if I got a good shot at all. I'll find out when this roll is all done and I take it in to get developed. 

I tried taking some shots with my digital camera but it didn't quite work out. I did get this weird reflection of the eclipse which is the crescent shape to the left of the sun. Maybe when the next one comes around I'll have some cool glasses to see it this time. I think it's nice when something so massive, so beautiful like this happens. I feel like it makes many people realize that we are so so small in this gigantic universe. At least that's how these kinds of events make me feel. It gives me a nice perspective and it makes me appreciate this life and reminds me to not take anything for granted because I am just a "tiny speck in an giant's eye."

leaving

Emily

This Already Happened
Mixed Media on wood panel 2010

This is one of three paintings/drawings I did for a two-person show back in June 2010.
My friend Emily was cool enough with me using her as one of my figures. I remember being so stuck after my senior show/work was done in the beginning of my last quarter of school. I spent a couple of weeks not knowing what I was going to make for this huge show in a few months. And one day I just came up with this idea of homes.

Living in a small house with my best friend had a big influence on these pieces. Up until that point, for the last three years I lived on campus and if I wasn't living on campus, I was living right by campus so I felt like I was always around people that were my age, college kids.

Living away from my school with Xavier in a small house on a dead end was such a nice transition. Walking, biking, skating to work and school gave me the chance to see a much wider demographic of people. I saw old people, really young kids, families, all these people that I wasn't really around that often.

I started to think, how do these lifestyles, our guardians, our homes affect us as people and how much weight do we carry with us from our past, from our present. How do these lives shape us into who we are, what we believe in, our morals, and how we treat others and ourselves.

Big sister

This is a gatha that my sister Ly shared with me.
It's been very helpful.


breathing in, i am aware of the painful feeling in myself
breathing out, i release the tension within that painful feeling in me

breathing in, i am aware of the feeling of joy in myself
breathing out, i smile to the feeling of joy that is in me

breathing in, i am aware of the feeling of happiness in myself
breathing out, i smile to the feeling of happiness that is in me

Maybe more

I'm so glad that I get the chance to capture moments like this.

I take thousands of photographs everywhere I go but most of them don't come out very good but my theory is, for every one hundred photos you take, you'll get a few really great shots. 

Lily and Mateo getting caught being happy. 

Venture to the West

I've been feeling so trapped in my own body and in my own mind for days.
I feel sad, tired, and afraid.

It's the most suffocating feeling to keep so many strong emotions here, with me, when I just want to be able to share them with the one person that is the reason for these sleepless nights, this constant longing.

I'm supposed to know how to embrace joy, I do, everyday I am but what if one of my greatest joys isn't here anymore? All the peace that you brought me, gone in a matter of decisions, so how do I find them?

I want to be able to take this as it is.
I want to be able to accept all of it.
I want this to be over.

I'm tired of crying.
I'm tired.

This takes time.
I have to remember.
It takes time.
I know.

Nothing Came Out

miles and miles

toph-fer grace

This is Toph the dog.
Her hair is getting long again.
She is due for a nail trim.

And I think she is gaining a little bit of weight which is a good thing because she has always been underweight. I wonder what Toph would say about me if she had the chance? Hm...things to ponder on this sunny Thursday.

Beach Fossils- Youth (acoustic)

May 3 2011
December 18 2011
May 17 2012



Beach Fossils has officially become the one band that I have seen the most live. I've seen them twice and tonight will be the third time, I knew Abraham really wanted to see them live so I thought I'd accompany him. I'm excited to spend my day off going on an adventure with Abraham. Hurray for Thursday!

pieces

trying so hard to find a pattern

i want this to make sense

my voice is gone

tired, tired, tired

2.3.4.5.6.7.8.

clock in/clock out

Nightmare

What I was always afraid of, good thing I don't have a bed frame anymore. Whew, I'm safe...

Home- Edward Sharpe and The Magnetic Zeros/ Jorge & Alexa Narvaez

I couldn't stop thinking about this song for the entire day.
Probably the best cover, duo, ever.
What a sweet love song.

deep breath

ph. mb. pt. five- These Routines

May 2009

This was my last quarter of my Junior year in college. I remember being so nervous about becoming a senior. I knew things were going to be so different, I just never knew how different until it was over. This was my third year away from home and my idea of home started to change around this time. I was living in a two bedroom apartment with four friends that I really cared about that somehow became my family. I remember these days were so routine but so free at the same time. If I didn't have class, work, or work to make, I did a lot of "routine adventures", things that were so mundane but didn't quite fit in my day as routine.

What I always really liked about my school was the view, we always had a pretty cool view. 

I was pretty proud of this, I think my roommate was bragging about being on the dean's list and I remember checking to see if my name was there and it was! 

Waiting for the bus always gave me enough time to take pictures like this, I remember on this particular day, one of my classes let out really early and I made a trip to oakland to check out some galleries and do some exploring. I remember I found out on this day that there was a skatepark in Hayward that was right down the street from our apartment. This changed EVERYTHING!

"When I Grow Up" 2009 Mixed Media

This was one of three panels I did, I did this triptych for my painting class at the time. My friend Kenneth now has two of them and a woman who works at the college bought the other one.

I think unknowingly until I moved away from Hayward, my favorite thing about the end of my day at school was riding home on the bus. Most of the time, the bus was really empty and I really liked that, it was always a nice way to end a long day. These routines became so normal to me, I miss these particular routines but I'm finding new ones now and I'm learning so much from them. 

Self-Portrait May 2009

Self-Portrait May 2009

magicians, rebels, and family

Sometimes I sound like a robot, and that is okay...

Salvation Mountain Pt. II

Arriving in the middle of a desert town and seeing this was a very surreal moment. I've always seen pictures but it was much more impressive in person. Finding out some history about this mountain made me appreciate it so much more. 

Leonard Knight created Salvation Mountain in 1984 when his handmade air balloon crash and failed. His message on the balloon was "God is Love". Ending up in Niland, California for work, Leonard decided to make a small monument out of cement to get his message across. He eventually stayed in Niland to make this monument bigger and bigger. The mountain we see today was the second mountain, the first one fell apart due to weak materials used.

It was cool to find out that there were all kinds of passageways on the west side of the mountain. 

When we first got there, we saw hundreds and hundreds of paint buckets. We came to find out that all of the paint that is used for the mountain is donated from all kinds of people

We saved the actual main mountain for last after exploring the other side of the mountain. Being there made me feel like I was on some kind of weird movie set from the 60's. 

It was really windy the whole time we were there, other than sand blowing into our eyes, it was actually really nice. 

Found this postcard right before we left. 

We were only a few miles away from the Salton Sea and it was on the way back so we thought we would check it out. It wasn't what we expected it all. We ending up having dinner by the train tracks and made our way back home as the sun was setting. 

It was cool to experience Salvation Mountain with Lily and Xavier, I think it's an amazing thing that someone's beliefs can help them or motivate them to make something so monumental. Thanks Leonard Knight for making something so cool and sharing with so many people.