She's been crawling under the sheets every chance she gets. I've been wearing so many layers of clothing, it's getting kind of ridiculous. Oh how I've missed the winter.

Being Away

I've been away from both of my blogs for quite a while. I think it might be due to having way too much fun in this past month or so. I had lunch with my aunt, uncle, sisters, and cousins today. On the car ride to a bakery with my sister and my thirteen year old cousin, my sister and I somehow felt the urge to talk to my thirteen year old cousin about drinking and drugs. 

If you would've talked to me about three years ago about alcohol and drugs, I would've told you that all of it was terrible and people that do those things suck at life. Growing up I was always around older kids that smoked weed, and as I got older and went to college, smoking and drinking was all around me. I never gave in to peer pressure. It wasn't until I was twenty-one years old that I drank my first beer. I remember feeling comfortable and that I was around people that were conscious and smart about their consumption. I felt safe and I just felt an urge to see what was so great about drinking alcohol. 

After I realized and experienced the effects of alcohol first hand I was less judgmental of people who drink alcohol. Not because I liked the feeling but because I was more understanding, and I realized why so many of my peers/friends/people consume alcohol. 

I've never experienced being drunk, I've probably only drank two beers at most, or a glass and a half of wine in my lifetime. I've always known/felt what my limit was and I never had the urge to get to that point. 

So now that I'm even older, I've really thought about alcohol consumption and what might be the reasons that so many people regularly drink. A lot of my ideas are inspired by Thich Nhat Hanhs teachings that I was a part of back in August of this year. The idea that people resort to alcohol because they are suffering. Suffering so much that it might be too unbearable to deal with the sadness/anger/anguish. So why alcohol or drugs? These are substances that make us numb, that can take us away from our present self, so that we are even more detached from healing ourselves. When we consume alcohol and drugs, we are trying to escape, we are running away from our suffering. After reading and hearing about these ideas, I can't help but look around me at the people that I care about that constantly consume to escape the present, escape themselves. 

For me, in my own life, I've decided that drugs and alcohol isn't something I'd ever want to do again because I want to be here. And by "here" I mean I want to be present with a clear mind and clean heart/body. I'm really grateful that I had friends that made me feel comfortable enough to drink because I am so much more understanding of others. And in no way am I saying that drinking and drugs are wrong, it's just something that I'm not into and it's something that I don't need. 

These are the kinds of things I shared with my thirteen year old cousin. One point that I wanted to make clear was that we shouldn't think of drugs and alcohol as taboo, something that is forbidden, and we shouldn't judge the people that include those things in their lifestyle. And when I was talking to her about all of this I realized that I've been surrounding myself with people that don't drink or smoke or whatever else. Friends that can share how beautiful life is just by enjoying it consciously. I've been happy, and it's nice to learn how to embrace that happiness and joy.

I'm done with being away, life is much more beautiful when I'm home.

Breathing In Breathing Out

Looking back at that first post, I guess things didn't really work out the way I thought they would. It has been two and a half years since my first blog post, maybe I just needed sometime or maybe I felt like anything I wanted to write about wasn't quite worthy. It's nice to be able to look back at a certain time in your life and compare it to your present position.

I look back two years ago and that's when I was really selfish. I might've not shown it or even acted on my selfishness but It was very prevalent in the way I lived. At that point in time, I spent my whole junior year of college obsessing over things that just stressed me out, obsessing over things that I couldn't change, obsessing until all my energy was drained, until happiness seeped out of my body and I forgot it even existed. That summer I went on a trip to New York to visit a friend, to travel in the hopes that I would somehow find something, which when I look back on it, I realize exactly what I was looking for.

I spent so much time in New York being stressed out, stressing out over what was going to happen next, where I was going, what I was doing, who I was meeting. I never just stopped to breathe in. I never just stopped to breathe out. I remember my stress came to a boiling point when we got to brooklyn, my body just failed me but I ignored it, I ignored my body and I just went, kept going.

It wasn't until we came back to Buffalo, on my second to last day there my friend Luke had to go into work so I was alone which was rare on that trip. I decided to go to the art museum in Buffalo, The Albright-Knox Art Gallery. Right when I stepped out of the door that day, the winds picked up and it started to pour, it was probably the hardest rain I've ever experienced, and all I had was the clothes on my back. I remember taking shelter under the bridges but after waiting there for a long while I just gave up and walked the few miles to the museum. I was soaked, from head to toe. I felt so embarrassed walking into the museum but the man just checked my student id, took my money and pointed me towards the first room. They had a great collection, I remember the huge Pollock, the Warhol's, but there was one piece there that really resonated with me. It was Giorgio de Chirico's "The Anguish of Departure". I stood there for what seemed like half an hour just entranced in this painting, and out of nowhere I just started crying and at that point I wasn't sure what kind of tears they were. I didn't know why I was crying. It wasn't until just recently that I really looked back at that moment and realized why I cried.

I cried because the thing I was missing that whole year was myself, I lost myself. That whole year I ignored what my body and soul needed, I did mostly what my head told me, I acted on my desires and based my decisions on mostly what others needed or wanted from me. Not once did I ask myself what my soul needed. It sounds so cliche but when I was there looking at that painting, I found myself just by being there with myself, breathing. I cried because I was no longer ignoring it anymore, I embraced my sadness, I embraced my misery, I embraced my being.

So I think it's nice that I didn't post anything else for a long time on this blog, I really had sometime to reflect and learn how to be a better and less selfish person. It feels nice to be able to type these words again, I forgot how much I missed it.

I'm going to try and keep up this habit.
With love,
Tony