August Self-portrait 2013

August 17 2013

This has been a full month, the month of August.
I was late to work twice this month, some days I catch myself in this daze that I can't quite explain.
A sort of listless gaze. Days where I can't keep track of the right days. I need to practice being more present again, being more present now.

I went to a Dodger game by myself last Saturday. I bought my ticket right when I found out they were giving away Nomo bobbleheads, I couldn't miss that. It was a really fun experience and it was nice to have a day off from work. I sat by really hardcore fans, it was great. A younger woman was sitting behind me with a portable radio which was playing the game, it was actually very nice to get a play by play. On my left was a very young family of five. They had lots of snacks and sunburns. On my right sat a elderly Hispanic woman and her son, she was the best fan of them all. She prayed in between innings for the Dodgers to do well and every time a Dodger player would strike out she would let out this expression that translated into: "ahh, I hope he is okay." The Dodgers won that game and Hideo Nomo, my favorite pitcher of all time, threw out the first pitch!

I've been working on a project about fear for quite a few months now and I'm at a total of 38 interviews. My goal is to end at 200 interviews, so far it has been a life changing experience that I did not expect. I have lots to write about this project but in the near future.

I bought a snare drum the other day, I've been writing music lately with different people. It's nice to explore something that is new, the feeling of learning is nice. I think I've been stuck in a cycle of just doing what I know and what I've always done that I didn't really get to experience that feeling of the unknown and feeling uncomfortable. So to be out of that normal shell is nice.

A friend of mine just recently got his heart broken, he was dating someone for half a year and it has abruptly stopped. I tried giving him some advice about how to go about it to help him feel better and it made me realize that there's not much I can say, he will heal with time and he has to figure out how to deal. Relationships are complicated and can get real ugly in a heartbeat, I just want to ride bikes, draw pictures, and go on new adventures, forget all that other stuff. :) Maybe someday I'll find a woman who likes those things and is really rad, or maybe I'll adopt a dog, I've been thinking about adopting another dog. Toph would be really happy, but who really knows.

A poem for my brothers, sisters, and everything inbetween

This is a poem for my brothers, sisters, and everything inbetween
This is a poem for the grief stricken Tracy Martin that must endure steep heaves of
Why why why, no no no, you must be mistaken, you must've seen
I mean, he knows this is false system that isn't built for him and me
It's a system that is built around these old dusty seats
occupied by oppression that drag on like bullet holes too loud to speak

This is a poem for the wrongfully guilty free
A jury full of this irresponsible deed giving Joe G. the power to stalk and flee
While his hands are seemingly clean
Please

This is a poem for my little sister too tired to breathe
While shadows full of makeshift mask lay down trash piles of copious wreaths
Thick cash bribes and I have to ask why
Why is the color of my skin still an issue of guilty guilty not guilty
See, no one will give us a fight, not even a slight scream
So lets build until everyone is blind and unable to give even the smallest peep

This is a poem for the kid that lives on the coastal edge of beach side property breeze
Not worrying over prejudice stained figures lurking behind each step
The kid that stops this cycle of deciding fate on melanin levels, location, appropriation
of their orientation, gender specific expectations, and of course levels of taxation.

This is a poem for the feet that step onto freeways that only know
the bottom of car tires passing in and out of sleep
These same freeways now worn from constant swarms of no justice, no peace.
No justice no peace echoing into empty backseats bouncing back to officer please
Release me from these shackles of the click clack click clack
ringing of "Not Guilty" not guilty not guilty, man please!

This poem is for the my brother with his hoodie up, arms tucked not because he's some sort of thug
No, only those wanna be Joe G's chase us into these categories of false labels and identities
Misjudging me, my brothers and sisters you see, until this society screams
No justice, no peace.

This is a poem for Trayvon Benjamin Martin
The Trayvon in me
The Trayvon that can one day rest in peace when these old dusty seats are replaced
with unmuffled pleads, good natured deeds, and some fine hearts that understand
what it takes to just breathe

This is a poem for Trayvon Benjamin Martin
The Trayvon in me
The Trayvon in my brothers, sisters, and everything in between

a note to myself

Kurt Vile- Walkin On A Pretty Day

Wakin on a pretty day
Don't know why I ever go away
It's hard to explain
My love in this daze

Processed. Print. Thirteen.

Pentax K1000/Fujicolor Superia 400

April 26 2013 La Quinta, Ca



Find

The moon sits on the horizon as our eyes slowly grow
A weekend after another until they seem to melt into one
Done, it's finished and we are home
Alone, trying to settle again

A year of work nullified into a single thirty minutes
All of it lost, all of it for nothing
I come home angry, unhappy at these people
This anger sits, waiting, and where is it released?

Released into days of longing for better ones
Released onto projects that keep me busy
Released onto this blinding walk through uncertainty

A day off to wander, to spend time with myself
And my mind is filled with bitterness
Repeated memories of what is and what was
I feel trapped in a conflict with my heart

I don't have an answer this time around
A solution that makes everything better
A solution that fixes it

But as a day grows longer my thoughts sit softer
Quiet voices still kept in small purses
The same that open and release loud winds of hope

Hope
Finding hope

Ballaké Sissoko/ Asa Branca- A Take Away Show

not quite there

long sighs tucked between short ones torn
open and close until permanence is reached seen
nodding at strangers to find you inside their eyes why
gradual why not
immediate after a release of null feeling
nothing complete just fragments of
grief

Carried Away

Sometimes I forget that there's this small machine in my chest that keeps my breath going. Waking up after the sun is directly above my eye lids, tripping over covers tucked too tight from the night before. I forget that theres this small machine inside of me while I'm brushing my teeth. And I start to feel this immense sadness when I hear about her small town that was demolished in one pass. Her entire life swept away in the loudest noises to ever enter into her ears. Her family taken with the thunder of it all.

And all at once that machine in my chest stops moving. It starts to cry for her and everyone who suffers today, yesterday, and tomorrow. And the next day my eyes open before the sun reaches the horizon and I sit for a while, until my feet fall asleep, until my chest has a small pulse again and I continue, I don't know what else to do.

United Voices of Pomona For Environmental Justice

Dear friends,

As some of you know, I'm part of a non profit organization called "United Voices of Pomona for Environmental Justice."

This group joined together for one cause which was to stop a regional trash station from being built in our city. We have been fighting this for a very long time and we finally have a site up to help us spread the word about what we have done, what we are doing, and what this fight is all about.

We have evolved from one issue to many issues in Pomona that surround the health of our environment and the living beings in our city and beyond. I beg of you to share our site with your family, friends, and strangers so that our voices become united and we can fight the corruption that surrounds our city.

Please share this site with as many people as you can, we need all the help that we can get to save our city.

http://unitedvoicesofpomona.wordpress.com/

http://www.gofundme.com/savepomona

Thank you!
Love,

Processed. Print. Twelve.

Pentax K1000/ Fujicolor Superia 400

February 1 2013

I met Daisy about two years ago. I was going to a show in Echo Park and when I was waiting in line I saw Andrea, which at that point, I hadn't seen or talked to her since 2006, five years!

I remember the feeling of re-introducing myself to Andrea again and how nice it was to meet a familiar person again but knowing nothing about her. I think we were completely different people in high school, I know I was so I felt this sense of a clean start even though Andrea and I never really talked in high school. Daisy was there with Andrea and I met her for the first time.

This was May 2011 so it was almost going to be a year since graduating from college and moving back to Pomona. At this time I was still struggling with the transition of living a fairly independent life for four years to living at home again. There was a lot of conflict going on with me due to the stress of navigating life after school, trying to find a way to be productive without professors giving you assignments, finding a job that I actually liked and paid well enough to help with my student loans, trying to meet people in the art world to build some sort of community. This on top of many things caused a lot of conflict in me at the time.

Daisy told me she was about to graduate in June and she shared some of her anxieties about life after college but it didn't seem to bother her as much. I think seeing someone that seemed to be fearless really helped me find peace with where I was. Also it just helped to talk to someone that seemed to understand what life after college could be. I've never told her that but as I was looking at this photo that I took of her in February of this year and I remembered the first time we met and I remember that feeling.

Daisy reminds me to work harder at being a present friend because she lives in Los Angeles and even though it isn't that far, it seems more difficult for me to make time to see friends that don't live in the cities right next to mine. A big lesson I've learned and am still learning this year is to make time to enjoy life, enjoy friendships, enjoy meeting people and getting to know them better and sharing.

I like this photo of her because it reminds me that people embody so much, and they offer more than you can imagine, and contain a vast complexity. Yet, at the same time, we are really simple and sometimes all we need are things that are really simple to be happy or to be at peace. In this case I was happy to get a day off to hang out with her, look at art, and just talk about how simple and complex our lives are.

Processed. Print. Eleven.

Echo Park, December 18 2011

Pentax K1000/ Kodak Portra 400

I've always been fascinated with store fronts, but mostly those mom and pop store fronts, those are the ones that get me. I like little markets like this one because they are organized but chaotic at the same time. And the amount of what is in the store is aesthetically enjoyable compared to those big box stores that have an entire thirty foot isle stocked with all kinds of sandwich breads. Whereas these markets have just a few types of bread.

I was riding my bike up Sunset to see Beach fossils on this night and the glow from this store front made me stop. Lately I've been so busy that I haven't really let myself stop, just stop and take it all in. It happens to me a lot, getting stuck in this whirlwind of loud processess. But here I am, stopping for a while, and it's nice. Maybe I can work towards some sort of medium, a medium that lets me continue to utilize what I have to offer as a community member, a person of this planet, but at the same time gives me enough space to breathe, to enjoy the work that is past, present, and ahead.

Maybe stopping or pausing might help me see something that I would normally just past right by.
I like that you can't make out the address number in the photo, it leaves room for something else, something I haven't yet seen. 

Hip Hip...

As of April 2nd 2013-

I officially paid off one entire student loan,
now I just have two more.
I'm thankful for my family,
because without them
I would be homeless and full of student loan debt
and this would not have been possible.

Time to eat a bagel and go to sleep.

(cheering inside myself,
and theres also a huge party/celebration
with carnival rides and foods from all over the world in my imagination)

Hooray!

twenty-five years later

February 19, 2013

Slowly now, slowly so my limbs move away from sheets soaked. My eyes not yet open but I can see the light that seeps from under the door, radiant on my forehead down to my shins. Slowly with my legs stretched, I'm only a surface piled on top of a much further depth.

As a lone voice echoes across high ceilings hoping they hit the inside of your ear, hoping you can only see what I've been keeping. Backs leaned against walls owned by others and the hope disappears into the small cracks we can't see. Please.

And I see you, long awaited joy forced into a small cramped room with your brother, sister, mother, father. Your hands grabbing onto a single finger, shivers sent down my spine as my mother tells of how she once held her father in the same way.

Long awaited fragments pieced together over a satellite line, the sound of tears spilling, nose sniffling. The sound of decisions made, no more time to wait. Yet, I couldn't help but to take it as it was, or else we continue blindly until we are completely lost and alone. The only sounds you didn't hear was this silence that has swept across my days.

Slowly, slowly now, a heart mends on top of a new shape. One that is less, less of what this month has been, and more of what is ahead. Those little hands growing everyday, a smile from her eyes on slower days, a tune played from his sweet hands, more stories from her small garden. A depth that will continue as long as this chest is rising and falling. Today is another day to celebrate life, what could be more wonderful than that.

Dog Days

February- you are something else.

Elijah Kai

Today is my nephews birthday, Elijah is now seven years old! I can't believe that he is already seven. Every time I see him, he is bigger and bigger. I took him on a hike with Xavier and Toph a couple of weeks ago and I trip out that he is this little kid now, not a baby, but this kid that can jump, run, climb, and a ton of other kid stuff.

And he sure can talk a lot now, the constant "why" question.
"uncle tony, why didn't you take me on hikes when I was 5 years old?"
-"because you were still too small Elijah"
"why?"
-"because you would've gotten tired really quickly"
"why?"

-"because your body isn't really developed to the point where you have much stamina"

"why?"
-"because your lungs are smaller so they can't take in that much oxygen"
"why?"
-"because you see Elijah, humans need to breathe, and they need their lungs to breathe, and.. oh hey  look at that squirrel!"

I told him since he is seven now, we will go on more hikes. Elijah only has two uncles, and I hope I'm his favorite. Happy birthday Eli, love you my dude.