Breathing In Breathing Out

Looking back at that first post, I guess things didn't really work out the way I thought they would. It has been two and a half years since my first blog post, maybe I just needed sometime or maybe I felt like anything I wanted to write about wasn't quite worthy. It's nice to be able to look back at a certain time in your life and compare it to your present position.

I look back two years ago and that's when I was really selfish. I might've not shown it or even acted on my selfishness but It was very prevalent in the way I lived. At that point in time, I spent my whole junior year of college obsessing over things that just stressed me out, obsessing over things that I couldn't change, obsessing until all my energy was drained, until happiness seeped out of my body and I forgot it even existed. That summer I went on a trip to New York to visit a friend, to travel in the hopes that I would somehow find something, which when I look back on it, I realize exactly what I was looking for.

I spent so much time in New York being stressed out, stressing out over what was going to happen next, where I was going, what I was doing, who I was meeting. I never just stopped to breathe in. I never just stopped to breathe out. I remember my stress came to a boiling point when we got to brooklyn, my body just failed me but I ignored it, I ignored my body and I just went, kept going.

It wasn't until we came back to Buffalo, on my second to last day there my friend Luke had to go into work so I was alone which was rare on that trip. I decided to go to the art museum in Buffalo, The Albright-Knox Art Gallery. Right when I stepped out of the door that day, the winds picked up and it started to pour, it was probably the hardest rain I've ever experienced, and all I had was the clothes on my back. I remember taking shelter under the bridges but after waiting there for a long while I just gave up and walked the few miles to the museum. I was soaked, from head to toe. I felt so embarrassed walking into the museum but the man just checked my student id, took my money and pointed me towards the first room. They had a great collection, I remember the huge Pollock, the Warhol's, but there was one piece there that really resonated with me. It was Giorgio de Chirico's "The Anguish of Departure". I stood there for what seemed like half an hour just entranced in this painting, and out of nowhere I just started crying and at that point I wasn't sure what kind of tears they were. I didn't know why I was crying. It wasn't until just recently that I really looked back at that moment and realized why I cried.

I cried because the thing I was missing that whole year was myself, I lost myself. That whole year I ignored what my body and soul needed, I did mostly what my head told me, I acted on my desires and based my decisions on mostly what others needed or wanted from me. Not once did I ask myself what my soul needed. It sounds so cliche but when I was there looking at that painting, I found myself just by being there with myself, breathing. I cried because I was no longer ignoring it anymore, I embraced my sadness, I embraced my misery, I embraced my being.

So I think it's nice that I didn't post anything else for a long time on this blog, I really had sometime to reflect and learn how to be a better and less selfish person. It feels nice to be able to type these words again, I forgot how much I missed it.

I'm going to try and keep up this habit.
With love,
Tony